Sexpectations and Stereotypes: Should You Have Sex On the First Date?

We’ve all been there– you’re on a first date with a new person, or perhaps an old friend. Maybe you met through a dating app, or one of you was brave enough to make the first move in person with a smooth pick-up line or a witty joke. Time flies by.

Engaging and interesting conversation, a flirty glance here, a shared passion there. The first date goes amazingly well. If they were lucky, it ended with a kiss. You go home with a stomach full of butterflies and a bright smile on your face. Maybe you send them a cute message. You’re looking forward to seeing them again– seeing where this new connection will lead.

They don’t reply that evening. They fell asleep when they got home, you tell yourself. The next morning, your phone remains dry. Well, not entirely– there’s some marketing emails and a notification from Duolingo telling you to practise. I’m sure they just had an early start at work, is the next excuse you’ve lined up. Two days later you’re still hopeful, but it’s beginning to look like you’ve been ghosted.

Modern life is busy. Even if you have a fabulous evening with someone, you might not reply to them because you have so many friends or colleagues to keep in touch with. A pathetic excuse, in my opinion, but one I hear often. If you truly enjoy someone’s company, you’ll do your best to find time to spend with them.

After a plethora of bad first dates and a spattering of fantastic ones– and occasionally second, or third– I have come to a realisation about why you might get ghosted more often than not, even if they loved your company and conversation. It all boils down to one reason, one that we are perhaps more open and comfortable talking about within Gen-Z, but paradoxically less aware of– sex.

You might wonder what I mean by that statement. I’ll explain. Despite the harrowing efforts of many misguided politicians, sex education has become far more informative and beneficial to teenagers and young adults in the modern age. People grow up actually learning about their bodies and how to take care of them. And they might learn how to go about engaging in that exciting, incredible and intimate experience with another person.

Gen-Z are open about our sex lives, for the most part. We talk about fantastic one night stands we might’ve had over brunch with our friends, some a little louder than they should– I know I’ve supported more than one girl from afar after hearing her rave about a well-endowed or talented partner across a restaurant. It’s a wonderful thing, to share our pleasure and happiness with the people around us. Most of us have sex and enjoy having sex– it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Thus, we come to the second part of my statement. I believe the real reason we often get ghosted is because most people go on dates with the expectation it will end in sex– especially men. Of all the dates I’ve been on, the ones where I was either so drunk I fell head first into a one night stand or was simply so attracted to the person– and they to me– that we couldn’t hold back, are the ones where without fail, I’ve stayed in contact with them or gone on another date.

Yet, even on dates where I have genuinely had the most interesting or exciting conversation or night with a new human and been explicitly told how attractive they find me, if we don’t end up in the bedroom, we don’t end up seeing each other again. Sometimes it makes me feel like a doll. A beautiful toy, to be used and admired. More times than I can count I’ve been told in excruciating detail the things a man would like to do to me before we’ve even been on the first date. Those men never get that date. And it is always men.

That’s not to say women can’t be awful, manipulative people. They just don’t treat me like a sexual object. They usually just leave me emotionally drained and burnt out instead. This might sound pessimistic, and to be honest, it is. Maybe it’s just me who has a terrible dating and sex life. Perhaps if I was the kind of woman who had sex on the first date, every date, I might get more second dates.

However, I shouldn’t have to suffer other people’s false expectations of me. Yes, I have a lot of tattoos. Yes, I have a lip piercing. I’m tall, a little icy and have been told countless times how intimidating I am. How I’m just naturally flirtatious. So when people go out with me, they think they know what they’re getting themselves into. 

It’s rare that someone tells you ‘I’m expecting to have sex at the end of this date’ or ‘I asked you out because I think you’d have sex with me,’ but I think many people hold these subconscious– or perhaps conscious, but unsaid– expectations when they go on dates.

That isn’t me. I wouldn’t consider myself a hopeless romantic, or a prude. I love having sex, I think it’s amazing. I just want to feel secure, and get to know someone a little, before I commit to sharing energies and rendering myself most vulnerable to them. And I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. I think there are many women out there who would tell you they’ve felt obligated to have sex with someone on a first date, or for more insidious reasons.

Someone I went on a date with recently told me something that I actually agreed with. Then they ghosted me for a week and returned with a pathetic excuse about needing time away from their phone, which rotted what I thought was quite a profound nugget of wisdom.

If we have amazing sex on the first date, why wouldn’t I call you back?

If you can’t find two minutes to tell me you need some time for yourself, you don’t give a shit about my feelings. We ended up getting intimate and I enjoyed it. I know he enjoyed it too, yet he still ghosted me. It was quite upsetting, but not really a surprise. Unfortunately, I’m used to that kind of treatment, but that doesn’t make it okay.

Everyone has busy, often chaotic lives. Finding the time to go on a date can be tricky and even if you had a fabulous time you might be hard pressed to make the time for a second date soon after. It’s not hard to communicate honestly. People appreciate it. And if all you want is a one night stand, you’re more likely to find it if you’re upfront about it.

I think everyone would have more fulfilling dating lives if they tried to make genuine connections with people. To learn about them, show real interest in their passions and lovingly share their own. Sex is amazing, but it shouldn’t be expected. It’s not a currency to be earned by being a good listener for a few hours. It’s a mutually pleasurable exercise. One that is only made better when both parties go into it giving everything.

Everyone is attracted to different things, in a physical sense. And that’s absolutely fine. It’s human. I’m not telling you to stop choosing who you want to date because of how they look. Just try not to expect certain things from people just because they look the way they do. Perhaps you’ll start to have more fulfilling dates– and better sex.