I'm a religious religious girl (but I love Killing Kittens)

I love God.

I'm Christian.

And when I was nine, I remember watching the FEVER DREAM that is 'Mermaids,' (a random coming-of-age film starring Cher and Winona Ryder) and thinking, 'I want to be like that. I want to be a nun."

I told all my friends that sex was only for marriage but that sex and marriage were not for me. I'd devote myself to helping dolphins in Turkey (yes, I really thought this) and praying all day in an convent.

This nun bubble popped almost immediately when I met Liam. We were both 13 (he looked 16) and I knew that those feelings inside of me meant that being a nun was NOT MY CALLING. Butttttt I was still hooked on the idea of saving myself until marriage and only having sex for the purpose of having kids.

(ew).

I'd like to say my family played a part in my deluded thinking but they didn't. That was 110% completely me. And maybe it was because my family were so open about sex that it pushed me in the other direction.

This whole 'virgin' thing ended abruptly at 17 though.

I'd spent years holding it in like it was some kind of special gift that defined me, only to give it away after a Rum and Coke to a 30 year old man (yes, MAN) called Carl who really should have shown me a good time, but instead used olive oil as lube and just smacked it right in with no foreplay.

(yes, I despise him).

Having sex for the first time - even though it wasn't that great - changed me. I loved sex. I loved the way it felt. I loved the way it made other people felt. I soon realised that I really WAS becoming my parents; this open, talk about anything, try anything kind of girl.

This exploration went on for a few years until I met my NOW BOYFRIEND, Daniel.

Daniel was 34 at the time (38 now). I've always liked older men; can't you tell?

We went through a bunch of shit - which is a whole other story entirely - but I will say one thing. I have never ever been more secure in myself sexually than when I'm with him. He makes every other time seem shit, and more importantly he trust me and I trust him.

Which is what led us down the rabbit hole of 'sex parties.' I'd always thought they were just one big massive orgy - which I guess, they kinda are. BUT I was not prepared for everything else.

You see, we'd come across Killing Kittens online before but I'm jealous (maybe still a lil insecure) and the idea of sharing my partner with anyone else made me want to tear my retinas out.

But we both wanted the same thing; NOT to swap or to share. But just to feel. To see what it was like. To be exhibitionists. To show off and be showed off. To be in our own perfect bubble in a sexual environment.

And it was life-changing - I'm not even kidding.

At the tender age of 24, I thought I had explored - I hadn't. Walking into Killing Kittens made me realise that. I saw girls with other girls, girls with other guy's guys. I saw people watching. And Daniel and I realised we just liked to be watched, nothing more.

So that's what we did.

But the best part about the night?

It wasn't the sex - it was the liberation. I don't think I've ever really felt 'empowered.' I've just never let myself go enough to feel like that. I've always been too highly strung. But there was something about being able to shed my clothes and walk around in skimpy lingerie that made me feel on top of the WORLD.

No one was judging me for it - because we were all doing it. No one was touching me up without consent; because at Killing Kittens, it's the women that take the lead. I could dance in a white bra set and not worry at all AT ALL, and just...enjoy.

And it brought me closer to my partner.

I used to want to be a nun. Now I go to Killing Kittens every time it's on.